Reflective Posting - You've Been Warned!

Please only read this if you're up for listening to someone else's end of year reflections. Warning: It's probably boring stuff that will leave you yawning ... And I write this at the risk of sounding like a depressed or grumpy person ... which I'm really not ... just feeling reflective today. It is New Year's Day ... what other day is this ripe for reflection? We're practically forced into it!

I included pictures of the kids from last night for those of you who are more visual than literary. The kids made homemade salsa with avocado, tomatoes and onions ... whew! And, they really liked the pretend champagne! It was quite a party ... when the ball dropped on TV, Jackson was still up and he looked around (disgusted) and said ... "That was IT?! I thought we were GOING SOMEWHERE to see the ball drop. We're just watching it on TV?" :)

When I was younger, I never cared for Charlie Brown's Christmas cartoons. But now that I'm all grown up, they have become my favorites. I am a Charlie-Brown-at-heart. (Click here to see a short clip ) That cartoon reminds me that for many of us, who have been through different types of losses or struggles, Christmas can both a time to celebrate ... and a time to become increasingly aware of inner feelings ... both positive and not-so-positive.

While everyone else is complaining about having to attend ten family Christmas parties at the grandmother's, mother's, aunt's and cousin's houses or telling stories about buying gifts for their 52 cousins ... or talking about how many people will be at their house on Christmas morning ... or maybe that their sisters will all be shopping and seeing a movie together on Christmas Eve ... I am listening to their stories and feeling very "Charlie Brown."

Both of my grandfathers were gone before I was born and my grandmothers died in the 80's. My parents are both gone and my dh's mom is gone, too. His grandparents are all gone, too. I'm embarrassed to say that we haven't talked to his family or mine (except my sister) all during the holidays. I don't know why, but my parents were never close to their family during my life. I don't really know much about my aunts, uncles or cousins ... never met most of them. I also don't talk to most of my friends during the holidays ... I leave them alone so they can enjoy their families.

There are also the "Christmas Past" ghosts to deal with. Some childhood Christmas memories are not too great ... I think that Christmas meant a lot of arguing (the loud, scary type of arguing between brothers that end up brawling with each other) for dh.

Dh especially can get on edge during Christmas allowing those memories to affect his expectations and moods about the holidays. Sometimes, I think he feels like things will go "complete circle" and our family will suffer the same problems that he dealt with as a child.

It can be tough to go to those holiday parties and "put on your happy face" when you just don't feel it inside. For lots of people, the holidays are a reminder of "what's missing" in their lives. For those who have lost parents, miscarried a child, are stressing over an adoption wait, or dealing with a life-threatening illness (in either yourself or someone you love), the "Charlie Brown blues" can be very real.

These stressful life events sap our inward holiday cheer ... because they are also, quite often, things that we have to keep silent about when we're around friends, at church, work or school.

I read a blog today where a woman miscarried on Thursday and she was apologizing for still feeling the grief on Tuesday ... only five days later! If you are feeling grief, please don't apologize! I can tell you that real grief never goes away that fast ... and I'd even argue that it never goes away at all. You just learn to deal with the pain and it becomes part of you ... like white noise ... that you can ignore somewhat until someone or something reminds you that it's there.

Okay ... I warned you at the beginning ... reflective post! I don't know what my point is here except to let you know that you're not alone if you have some of these same feelings ... I don't feel that I'm "depressed" (I AM still able to laugh at myself - even my "reflective" self) ... I'm just more "reflective" and willing to admit that "behind the smile", for me there is some pain ... even in the middle of the fun and excitement of Christmas.

Like Charlie Brown, in the end, though, I still LOVE Christmas. Hark, the herald angels sing! :)